|Sailing Out To Death|
You're not allowed to leave, Broseph. You're just not.
|Other episodes by the author|
Why it seems the little magic brat Darla has sent our two favorite dicks and their chicks out on a treasure hunt. Meanwhile, Earl Grey goes out on a search to find a specific item that is part of the A.B.B.O.'s new plan. Will everyone get what they came for? There's a million percent chance they won't.
(There is an exterior shot of an old abandoned ship.)
Auto-tuned Bee: It's a boat, mothafucka!
Darla: Greetings, darlings! I’m so glad you could make it. Today, I would like to treat you all to a little game that, well, technically I’m not the first one to make up, but I’ll tell you this though. It’s…kind of like a huge treasure hunt.
Pink: (somewhat pissed) Let me guess. We’re hunting Easter eggs?
Darla: What? No, I’m not that childish, though it is close. It’s just that instead of eggs you’re hunting for actual treasure.
Blue: So it is an actual treasure hunt?
Red: (getting excited) Treasure. Treasure. Treasure.
Darla: (as Red chants) Pretty much. I will divide you into two teams. One boy, one lady, obviously. (points to Red & Stacy, who are making out with Stacy in Red’s grasp) You two will be Team Staced, (points to Blue & Pink, who are holding hands) and you two will be Team Blink.
Blue: Why would you just mix up our own names? Why not just call us Team 1 and Team 2?
Darla: Sorry, darling. There’s a thing called “being creative”, and using 1 and 2 as the team names really doesn’t work out for me. You simply must learn how to understand what I think is original and what I think is really just overused if I’m going to be dragging you and all your other little friends into these little games and challenges of mine.
(Blue & Pink glare at her.)
Darla: Each team will have one side of the ship to search for the hidden treasures. There will be one hundred treasures on each side.
Stacy: (drunk) Is not that, like, like, a shitload? (Her eyes become cross eyed and she sticks out her tongue.)
Darla: (off-screen) No. One hundred and up is just…a lot, you dumb butt.
(Broseph turns his head towards Darla while staring her confusingly.)
Darla: (unenthusiastic) That’s right. I said “dumb butt”. I may be over three hundred years old but I’m still a kid. I’m not used to profanity just yet.
Pink: (clears her throat) Unlike other kids these days.
Darla: Team Staced will get the back side of the ship, and Team Blink gets the front. You people have twenty minutes to find as many as you can. The team who has the most treasures wins. Understand?
Darla: Good! I’m starting the timer now, so it’d be best if you run off. Right now!
(Blue & Pink back away slowly at first, but then they run out of the room. Red picks up Stacy and holds her bridal style. He then runs out with her. After the door closes, Darla turns to Broseph.)
Darla: (giggles) This is it! Of all my life I always wanted to host my own treasure hunt. I wanted to do it with my friends back in my home universe, but unfortunately they’re most likely deceased.
Broseph: Okay…that’s, uhh…nice, but, uhh… If they’re out to search for these treasures and you’re the host, what do I get to do?
Darla: Oh! I almost forgot to tell you. Your job is a bit important.
Broseph: It better be. And this hunt better be quick too. I have a gymnasium to go to, you know.
Darla: Oh, you don’t need to worry about that. Earlier today I found a Holy Grenade near a rabbit’s hole and, well, I hate to think about animals being burned to death. The grenade wasn’t even set off yet, so I picked it up and went over to the gym you go to. I went inside just to plant the grenade where no one could clearly see it, and I teleported to a nearby hill just to watch the place explode. Clearly everything there got destroyed, but at least it gives you an excuse to play with me all day, right?
(A Pure Evil Techno Song plays as Broseph stares at her while one eye starts to twitch.)
Darla: Anyway, (points to a small television right in front of Broseph) see this television right here?
Broseph: Wait. Where did that come from? (eyes twitch again)
Darla: (slightly annoyed) Do you see it or not?
Broseph: …Yes, I see it.
Darla: Turn it on.
(Broseph turns on the T.V. to see four security cams watching four parts of the ship. One camera is watching Red, who is still carrying a drunken Stacy. A second one is watching Blue and Pink.)
Darla: Your job is to watch the cameras and make sure Teams Staced and Blink are the only ones in the ship. I also want you to make sure they pick up just the treasures and not anything else. (laughs) It’s like stalking. (laughs, but immediately stops with a deep voice) EXCEPT YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO LEEEEEEAAAAAAVE!
(Darla reaches into the desk drawer and takes out two walkie-talkies. She hands one of them to Broseph.)
Darla: I’m going to search the ship to see if there are any abnormal things going around here. I heard rumors saying that there are alien-like creatures lurking here, and I just want to make sure that they’re either dead or non-existent. You think you can handle this all on your own?
Broseph: Haha! Come at me, little girl.
Darla: Okay, but I must warn you. Now that the door is closed, it is now locked on the inside, so don’t even bother coming up with a plan to escape. Clear?
(Darla teleports out of the room.)
(Time lapse. In the storage room, Blue lifts up a flat rock to find a golden egg covered in rubies.)
Blue: (turns to Pink) Is this one of her treasures?
Pink: Wait. Let me see that.
(Blue hands her the egg and she looks at it.)
Pink: (groans) I knew it! This is just some stupid egg hunt.
Blue: Well they can’t all be egg shaped. We only found one so far. However, if it turns out these treasures have candy in them, I’m gonna lose it.
Pink: And no one would blame you.
Blue: (sighs) We better get goi—
(A monstrous sound can be heard from nearby. Blue & Pink look at each other with frightened looks.)
Blue: On second thought...let’s hide here!
Pink: Good idea!
Earl Grey: (groans) It has got to be around here somewhere. (throws away a battle axe) Gerald, aren’t you going to help out at all?
Gerald Butler: (dodges battle axe) Are you sure the Spectrum Bottle is really in this place or are you just begging to find a way to get revenge on me for that tea incident last night?
(Earl Grey suddenly turns to him, somewhat pissed.)
Earl Grey: Don’t. You. Ever. Mention. That. Incident. Ever. AGAIN!
Gerald Butler: So the tea was left on the counter for more than an hour. At least I wasn’t the butler who made it.
Earl Grey: I don’t care! You’re the one who served it to me without even bothering to check the temperature. When I first toke a sip of “that”, I thought I’d be permanently ill.
Gerald Butler: (somewhat pissed as well) Well you could at least check the temperature yourself! Butlers can’t do everything for you, can’t they?
Earl Grey: (a bit more pissed) Why you bloody!
(Earl Grey angrily pounces on Gerald Butler and the two start to fight. However, the sound of them fighting can be heard from outside the room, which is where Blue & Pink are. As they listen to the fight going on, they look at each other in confusion. Blue then slowly reaches for the door.)
(Inside the room, Gerald Butler successfully pins Earl Grey against the wall.)
Gerald Butler: (as Earl Grey glares at him while struggling to get free) Aha! Looks like I win again, old friend.
(Blue then opens the door and he and Pink look at the two with confusion. Gerald Butler and Earl Grey look back at them, slightly nervous.)
Gerald Butler & Earl Grey: (simultaneously) Uhh…this isn’t what it looks like. (laugh anxiously)
(The door closes off-screen.)
(In a room somewhere at the back of the ship, Red is destroying everything in there and uses his eyes as a scanner to detect anything treasure-related.)
Red: (finishes scanning) Fuck! We've checked everything here and there’s absolutely nothing. (turns to Stacy) How ya doin’, Stacy baby?
(Stacy replies back, but her mouth is full of something, so what she is saying is inaudible. She then starts to choke, but then she coughs out what was in her mouth, revealing to be small red and purple gems.)
Red: (walks over to the gems) The fuck?! (He starts to separate and count the gems, but he does this real fast, so he speaks gibberish. He eventually stops.) Fucking one hundred! We won the game!
Stacy: (cries tears of joy) Aww… (presses her face against the gems) They’ve got out kalers. (immediately stops crying and corrects herself) Colors. (shoves her face into the gems)
(As Stacy starts to joyfully sob into the gems, Red takes out a shovel and pail.)
(Meanwhile, Blue & Pink are screaming and running from a disturbingly deformed monster, similar to the ones from Amnesia: The Dark Descent. As soon as they lost sight of it, Pink stops to catch her breath.)
Blue: Pink! What the hell?! (getting pissed) This isn’t the time to rest!
Pink: I’m sorry! I’m just freaking tired!
(Suddenly, Blue picks her up bridal style without warning, making Pink let out a small yelp of surprise. The monster is obviously still chasing them.)
(Time lapse. Blue successfully reaches the room where Darla first brought them to, with Pink still in his arms. He puts her down gently for a moment.)
Blue: (starts knocking on the door) Darla, please! Open the door!
Broseph: (from inside the room off-screen) It’s just me, dude! Darla went out to go find some rumored monsters or something similar like that.
Blue: Well guess what. They’re real! Now let us IN!
Broseph: Sorry, but Darla said I can’t let you in until your twenty minutes are up.
Pink: Broseph, forget about what Darla told you to fucking do and let us in!
(Red & Stacy approach them. Red is holding the pail full of the red and purple gems.)
Red: ‘Sup, biiiiitches?
Blue: I’ll tell you what’s up. This douchebag won’t let us in, and right now (voice rising) A FUCKING MONSTER IS AFTER US!
Stacy: (slightly pissed) Hey! Doncha dare call the witchy girl a douchebag, Blueberry.
Pink: He’s not talking about Darla. He’s talking about Broseph.
(Red gives the pail to Stacy and starts kicking the door.)
Red: (voice rising) Broseph! Get your fat ass out here so we use you as monster bait! (waits a moment, then voice becomes a bit more gentle) ...Broseph? (waits another moment, voice becoming slightly worried) Broseph? … (getting real annoyed) Broseph! …. (now pissed, starts banging on the door) BROSEEEEEEEEPH!!
Pink: I guess we’re just gonna have to wait until our twenty minutes is up.
Blue: …Hey. You know what? I don’t think the monster is chasing us anymore. (close up of his face) For now!
(Time lapse. Darla is hiding in a dark room so that the monster wouldn’t see her. The monster is shown looking around the hallway.)
Darla: (whispers into her walkie-talkie) Broseph, please come in. I’m in a bit of a pickle and I want you to let the teams know that the monsters are alive and real.
(She waits for a moment, but no one replies.)
Darla: (sighs) Where in the world is that young lad when I really need him?
(Shows Broseph listening to an MP3 player.)
Broseph: (singing) ♪In the Rainbow Factory, where your fears and horrors come true. In the Rainbow Factory, where not a single soul gets through.♪
(Darla’s cell phone then starts to flash. Broseph notices it and takes off his ear buds to answers it.)
Broseph: ‘Sup, bro?
Woman: (from the other line) Huh? Darla? Is Darla there?
Broseph: No. She went to go hunt for alien creatures or something. Apparently she wanted Red, Blue, Stacy, and Pink to go find some Easter eggs, and just a while ago, they told me the creatures are real and that I should let them in the room of the abandoned ship I’m now isolate—
Woman: Gray? Is that you?
Broseph: (realizes who it is and facepalms while sighing) Yes, Wednesday. It’s me, and seriously, my name is Bro—
Wednesday: (worried) Blue, Pink, and Stacy are about to get killed by a monster?!
Broseph: You didn’t ask that before—
Wednesday: I’ll be right there! Stay right where you are, okay?
Broseph: The door is locked on the inside, so alright—
(Wednesday hangs up the phone.)
(In another hallway, Gerald Butler is shown standing next to a treasure chest looking bored as Earl Grey digs out everything in the chest, still searching for the Spectrum Bottle.)
Gerald Butler: Okay, seriously. Only a total dumbass would think the first place to look for the Spectrum Bottle would be at an abandoned ship. If you ask me, I would suggest we look for it at a place where there are rainbows and shit.
(Someone off-screen shoots Gerald Butler in the back of his head and he falls to the floor, dead. As soon as Gerald dies, Earl Grey then picks up a bottle with a rainbow colored liquid in it. It is obviously the Spectrum Bottle.)
Earl Grey: Found it!
(Wednesday runs past Earl Grey with a pistol in her hand.)
Earl Grey: Hey, where’d you come from?
Wednesday: (sarcastic) I mastered teleportation.
Earl Grey: (catches up to her) Don’t you want to hear what I’m planning to do with the Spectrum Bottle?
Earl Grey: (groans) But it’s quite important, you know. I’m using it for the Anti Batman & Bloser Organization’s newest plan.
Wednesday: I don’t give a shit right now! I have to go save my friends!
Earl Grey: My word. Ever the determined one.
Wednesday: Would you please shut the fuck up? Yes, I am against the A.B.B.O, but I don’t have time to listen to your shitty pl—(stops all of a sudden to look at something in front of them that’s off-screen) What the fuck is that?
Earl Grey: (stops as well) What?
(Wednesday points at the monster from earlier. She grabs Earl Grey and shoves him towards the monster.)
Wednesday: Drink his blood! It’s probably Earl Grey flavored! (screams as she runs away)
Earl Grey: (shaking in fear) Wh-Which “Earl G-Grey” are you referring to—
(FIVE MINUTES LATER)
(Earl Grey is shown lying dead on the floor with grey blood staining the walls and floor of the hallway.)
Darla: (enters the hallway) That’s odd. I was sure I heard Wednesday’s vo— (sees Earl Grey’s corpse for a moment and yells out in frustration while starting to cry) WHY MUST YOU BLOODY HAUNT MEEEEEEE?! (notices her watch and brightens up) Oh, the twenty minutes are almost done. Better go report Broseph. (teleports out of the hallway)
(ONE MINUTE LATER)
(Darla is shown talking to Red, Blue, Stacy, and Pink back in the room they started in. Beside her are Broseph and Wednesday. Both of them looked impatient.)
Darla: You’ve all done very well tod—
Darla: (confused) You’ve…all done very we—
Darla: (impatient) You’ve all done—
Red & Stacy: (simultaneously) Blaaaagh!
Darla: (after a short pause) ...You’ve—
Red & Stacy: (simultaneously) Blaaaagh!
Darla: SHUT UP! And the winner is……both!
Everyone (including Darla): WHAT?!
Stacy: That’s unpossible! I & Red honey have one hundred gems.
Darla: Oooh, I forgot to tell you. Those fifty red gems and fifty purple gems are supposed to equal one treasure. By the way, Team Blink, would you kindly open your treasure?
(Blue & Pink grow worried as Blue slowly opens the egg covered in rubies. Once it is open, they take a peek inside, but nothing is there.)
Blue: (sighs) Thank Go—
(Suddenly creepy carnival music plays as candy and confetti pop out of the egg, startling everyone except Darla.)
Darla: Got ya! (giggles)
Wednesday: (whispers) I hate that little brat.
(A Twix bar slides right next to her out of nowhere. She picks up it up and eats it slowly while glaring at Darla.)
Wednesday: (to Broseph) Wanna bite?
Wednesday: (off-screen) I hate that bitch. (continues eating her Twix bar) But this candy is...so delicious.
- The Holy Grenade near the rabbit's hole is suppose to be a reference to the Holy Grenade scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
- The song Broseph was listening and singing to was Rainbow Factory by WoodenToaster.