Stacy as Catwoman
|Other episodes by the author|
When Earl Grey and his butlers kidnap Stacy, and Blue had just told Red that he has had enough of Red's stupid adventures that involve Blue getting seriously hurt, who will be Re-- Oops! I mean BATMAN'S sidekicks in order for him to rescue his hoe-- I mean girlfriend?
(Red & Stacy are shown in Red’s bedroom tongue kissing while making odd noises. Suddenly Blue opens the door very angrily.)
Blue: Red, how many times do I have to tell you! DO. NOT. LEAVE. THE. FRONT. DOOR. OPEN.
(Red stops making out with Stacy, but Stacy continues making weird noises while moving her tongue.)
Red: Oh, ‘sup bitch.
Blue: Did you hear what I said?
Red: Yes I did, but I am too drunks to be givin’ fucks.
(Blue glares at him for a moment.)
Blue: First of all, you don’t look drunk one fucking bit. Secondly, what if someone were to break in and steal something important like, I don’t know, YOUR PURPLE SLUT?
Red: Pfft, just relax.
Stacy: Yeahyah. Red’s like, the new Chuck, uhh…..I have no idea what his mane is.
Blue: Don’t you mean “name”?
Stacy: Yeah, whatever, you’re full of shit, Blueberry. (giggles) Lol, I mean Blue. Blueberry, that sounds so good right now. Got any in the kitchen?
Red: I has no idea.
Stacy: Yeah, whateves, I’m gonna check. (gets off the bed and goes into the kitchen)
Blue: (to Red) Okay, fine. If you’re going to let someone break in and steal something, I HOPE THEY STEAL YOUR HAT, AND I’M GOING TO LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN JUST TO TEACH YOU A LESSON! (slams the door close)
Red: (grabs his hat) I won’t let them take you.
(Suddenly the wall near the bedroom window explodes)
Red: The fuck?!
(As the smoke fades, a high pitched laugh is heard. The person laughing is then shown when the smoke is finally gone.)
Red: Earl Grey?!
Earl Grey: Well yes. Who did you expect?
Red: Uhh, no one.
Earl Grey: Oh right, you weren’t supposed to know I was going to be here unexpectedly. (laughs)
Red: Well, duh. That’s what every villain is supposed to do.
Earl Grey: How would you know that? You’re not a villain.
Red: Yeah, I don’t know. (picks up a beer bottle) Want a beer?
Earl Grey: (somewhat pissed) Fuck that! (calls to people down below) Will you idiots hurry up?!
(Earl Grey’s butlers are shown climbing up the apartment building.)
Butler #1: Just give us a minute, sir!
(Earl Grey groans in impatience and Stacy, who is drinking a blueberry smoothie, opens the bedroom door.)
Stacy: (stops drinking) Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. (points at Earl Grey) Who’s that douchebag?!
Red: I told you, Broseph’s the douchebag. That’s Earl Grey. (sarcastically) He’s a villain.
Earl Grey: (laughs) Who’s that foxy lady—HEY! I can assure you that I am a super-high-class super-villain. I have successfully turned more than 10 people into black & white. I remembered the night I turned a whole night club grey, along with the people the-
Red: Alright, we get it!
(The butlers finally reach the bedroom and spot Stacy.)
Butler #2: Hey hey hey, that’s some hot mama he’s got there. Earl Grey, can we keep her?
Earl Grey: Fine, but you can have her on Mondays.
(A third butler grabs Stacy and walks towards the other butlers with her.)
Stacy: Aah! What the fuck!
Red: Hey! (picks up a shotgun) Let her go, beeyitches!
(The butlers noticed the gun and jump out of the room, taking Stacy with them. Stacy screams off screen as they fall.)
Earl Grey: Well Batman, looks like today is the day I finally get my revenge. Since that you can’t afford to let anyone’s colour get drained, if you surrender and let me turn you grey, I promise to let your whore go and leave her the way she is.
(Red is shown on his bed snoring, but then he wakes up.)
Red: Wait, how did you know I was (deep voice) Batman?
Earl Grey: Ooooh, let’s just say I know a good spy.
(There is a flashback of what happened in Flame War.)
Red: Boom, headshot! (Another man approaches in front of him and Red hits him with the shotgun.) Killing spree! (A third man comes in front of Red, and Red drives the shotgun through the man's head.) Running riot! (A knight of some sort comes in front of Red and tries to kill him, but Red lifts him up and tears him into two pieces.) Kill-tacular! (Jumps into the air and suddenly a Batman costume comes out of nowhere and he wields it.) I'm Batman! (Gets closer and closer to the game.)
(As Red reaches the game, a butler is hiding behind a pile of boxes with a photograph of Red in his Batman costume. The butler, who is revealed to be Gerald Butler, laughs evilly.)
(The flashback ends and Red is once again sleeping in his bed.)
Earl Grey: (after a long pause) You know what? I not even gonna try and wake him up.
(Earl Grey flies away and Red wakes up as soon as he is gone.)
Red: (gasps) They kidnapped Stacy! And more importantly, (points at Stacy’s smoothie, which is now splattered on the floor) they made her drop her smoothie! (shouts at the sky) YOU BASTAAAAARRRRDSSSS!!
(Time lapse. Red runs into Blue’s room. Blue is sitting on his bed while texting someone on his cell phone.)
Red: Dude, you won’t believe what just happened! Earl Grey is back and he and his butt-lers kidnapped Stacy. The worst part is that they didn’t let her finish her-
Blue: (looks up from his cell phone) I am not coming with you to save her.
Red: Say WHAAAAT?!
Blue: (looks at Red and is pissed) Get someone else to go with you, because I’ve had enough you taking me on your fucked up adventures and getting me seriously hurt in the process. That and I’m inviting Pink and Lord Tourettes over to watch a movie.
Red: You’re inviting Lord Tourettes? Why him?
Blue: Because he’s a way more kind and responsible friend than you, dickfart. Although he better take off his hat while the movie’s playing, or he’s not invited back.
Red: But who else can I get?
Blue: Get Broseph. There’s a most likely chance he’ll listen to you.
Red: WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?! WHY THAT DOUCHEBAAAAAAAAG?!
Blue: (His face is shown in high detail) Because for once in your life, I want you to be the miserable one.
Red: Face it. (eyes become cross-eyed as he speaks) You’ll never get me to get him to come with me to get Earl Grey to get his butlers to get Stacy and give her back to me.
(Blue picks up a handgun and aims it at Red’s forehead. Red stares at him, but then he picks up his cell phone and dials a number. On the other end, Broseph is in bed. He picks up the phone.)
Broseph: What’s up, unknown caller ID dude?
Red: (smiles) Hello there, (face turns to neutral) you fucking asshole.
Broseph: (smiles delightedly) Oh my god! ‘Sup, bro… (face turns to confused) How the hell did you get my number?!
Red: Cut the shit, man whore. You’re coming with me to Earl Grey’s mansion to get my ♪real hot girlfriend♪ back from his grasp.
Broseph: Who’s…Earl Grey?
Red: Fuck you, ass fucker! Meet me at Ancient Secrets n’ Things as fast as your dick like legs can get. Bring a mask and cape with you.
Broseph: I don’t have any of those.
Red: Then get a long ass ribbon and wrap it around your eyes so that you’d be temporarily blind. And for the cape, I DON’T KNOW! Just grab a pillow case or something and get your sorry ass out of bed!
Broseph: How’d you know I’m in bed?
Red: (deep voice, Blue’s bedroom blazes.) I CAN SEE EVERYTHING YOU DO! (Blue's bedroom becomes normal)
Broseph: (looks disturbed) Uhh….
Red: Whatever. Just get outta bed and meet me there.
Broseph: (still disturbed) ‘kay… What was the place again—?
(Red hangs up the phone and runs out of the apartment. He closes the door and looks around to see if anyone is watching him. He then picks up the phone again and dials a number.)
Red: (on the phone) Hey, you’re at Ancient Secrets n’ Things, right? (voice becomes deeper) I have a mission for you.
(Time lapse. Broseph, who is using a pillow case in his color as a cape and a long ribbon as a mask, is approaching Red, who is in his Batman costume, in front of Ancient Secrets n’ Things.)
Batman: (in Arnold Schwartzenegger voice) You son of a bitch.
Broseph: Yeah…so who’s this Earl Grey person?
Batman: (surprised) You don’t know him?!
Broseph: Nope. Never heard of him, bro.
Batman: The super-high-class super-villain?
(Broseph shakes his head)
Batman: The stereotypical British villain?
(Broseph shakes his head again)
Batman: The villain on the cover of the Super-Villain magazine?
Broseph: I just read the ads to see if they’re any new hair products.
Batman: Teabags things into black and white?
Broseph: I hope you mean actual teabags.
(The front door of Ancient Secrets n’ Things opens and the Raccoon in his samurai outfit walks out.)
Batman: Alright. Now that we have the second member of the team ready for action, let’s move out.
(Batman and Raccoon run off, but Broseph stays behind.)
Broseph: Wait! Second member?! I was here before- (groans) Fuck it! (follows Batman and Raccoon)
(Time lapse. At Earl Grey’s mansion, Batman kicks open the door.)
Batman: Alright, Earl Grey! Let the battle begin!
(Earl Grey is sitting in his throne while his butlers prepare for battle. Next to the throne, Stacy is impatiently standing in a prison cell.)
Earl Grey: Aah, well if it isn’t Butt-man,
(Batman tries not to laugh.)
Earl Grey: a dirty, furry creature,
Earl Grey: and…umm…who the hell is that douchebag?!
Broseph: Well, fuck you too!
Earl Grey: Yeah whatever. Let’s just get this over with. Butlers!
(The butlers charge at Batman, Raccoon, and Broseph. Raccoon leaps at one of them and cuts its head off with his sword. Batman shoots a few of them with his laser eyes, causing the body parts that got hit to burn real badly. The butlers that got hit scream in pain, some even started crying. Some of the surviving butlers surrounded Broseph. He started to panic, but he took out a bottle of hair gel. The butlers then charged at him.)
Broseph: (groans) This is gonna be such a waste.
(Broseph squirts some gel into one of the butlers eyes, causing his eyes to sting. He does the same to the other butlers, and they fall to the floor rubbing their eyes.)
Broseph: Hah! (turns to Batman and Raccoon) What’cha think of me now, bros?
Batman: Shut up. You’re worse than Bloser.
(Suddenly a butler leaps at Broseph and pins him down.)
Broseph: (screams) Help. Help! Red?!
Batman: I don’t give a fuck! (kicks a butler in the stomach)
Raccoon: I’m a Nature’s Ninja! (uses his sword to cut a butler’s leg off)
(Earl Grey is shown next to Stacy’s cell.)
Earl Grey: I just want to let know you, Miss Purple. If Batman were to surrender and I turn him grey, having a fun time in the sex cauldron with a grey person is not all that bad.
Stacy: Hmph. Like, yeah, he’ll surrender to you. Sex with a grey person whose name is “Red”?! You kiss your mouth with that mother?! Dat makes no sense! And I’m not Stacy.
(Suddenly the battle music stops)
Earl Grey: Whoa, what?
(Stacy grabs Earl Grey’s head and starts shaking him, causing his head to bang against the metal bars.)
Stacy: I. SAID. I. AM. NOT. STACYYY!
(Gerald Butler runs to them and removes Earl Grey from Stacy’s grasp.)
Stacy: I am… (Jumps into the air and suddenly a Catwoman costume comes out of nowhere and she wields it.) CATWOMAN!
(Everyone stops fighting just to look at Catwoman in astonishment. Catwoman then uses her fingernails to pick the lock on the cell. Once it is unlocked, she kicks the door open, runs into the battle field, and starts’ beating up the rest of the butlers as Batman joins her, however at some points he does look at her breasts. When all of the butlers are dead or beaten up, Earl Grey and Gerald Butler stared at what just happened.)
Earl Grey: (screams loudly, much to Gerald’s surprise) Fuck it! Fuck it all! Okay! Batman, you win! Take your stupid girlfriend back and just leave me alone! (starts grinning) However, (picks up a bomb) I do have one more thing to accomplish.
(Batman & Catwoman gasp)
Gerald Butler: Master, wait!
(Earl Grey, not listening to Gerald, throws his bomb at Broseph. Broseph covers his head in fear as the bomb explodes. However, when the smoke fades away, Broseph still has his color.)
Broseph: (opens his eye and looks at his body) Huh? (punches fist into the air) Yeah!
Earl Grey: What?! Impossible! (to Gerald) How come he still has his colour?
Gerald Butler: Well it’s either because he is another shade of gray or the bombs haven’t been tested to see if they turn victims gray yet. I’m not one of the butlers that make the bombs so…
Earl Grey: (starts sobbing) I wanna go to bed now.
(Time lapse. The screen closes in on Batman’s face.)
Red: (narrating in a deep voice) In this city, crime is everywhere. Crooks will get their hands on anything golden; murderers will kill any innocent person for no apparent reason; and villains will do anything to rule the world. And there is only one super-hero team ready to kick their asses. Me. Batman.
(The screen zooms out to show that Catwoman and Nature's Ninja are with him on the roof of the apartment building.)
Catwoman: His horny girlfriend, Catwoman.
Nature's Ninja: His trusted assassin, the Nature’s Ninja.
(Broseph is shown next to them.)
Broseph: And his emergency food supply, Gel Boy.
(Everyone looks at Gel Boy.)
Batman: Hey, can talk to you for sec?
Gel Boy: Sure, bro.
(Batman walks towards Gel Boy.)
Batman: (deep voice) Y’know, after all that has happened tonight, I’m starting to think, maybe, just maybe, you don’t seem that bad.
Gel Boy: Haha! I knew you’d say that one da—
Batman: (normal voice) That doesn’t mean I like you! At all!
Gel Boy: Well, you sounded like you were starting to like me.
(Batman glares at him and shoves him off the building. Gel Boy screams as he falls. Batman & Catwoman however, continue making out. As for the Nature's Ninja, he picks up a blueberry smoothie from the ground and walks away.)
(Blue, Pink, and Lord Tourettes are shown in Red and Blue’s apartment watching Fang Angels.)
Stella: (on the TV) Oh Tedward, are we going to die out here?
Tedward: (on the TV) Even if one of us dies, our love will go on forever.
Pink: Aww, that’s so sweet!
Blue: (whispers to Lord Tourettes) That’s so fucking cheesy.